TAMRA  CHAMPION: Hello. Welcome to US Bank's presentation of Couples and Their Finances, The Rule of 3, presented by US Bank Goals Coaching. 

My name is Tamra Champion, and I'm a goals coach with US Bank. I've been in the financial services industry for about 25 years, and in 2020, I obtained my first professional coaching certification from IPEC, the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching. I also hold an Associate's Coach Certification from the International Coaching Federation and a Health Coach Certification from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. 

I've been coaching here at US Bank for almost three years. And during that time, I've coached a number of couples on their finances at various stages of their partnership and/or marriage. I also have personal experience with this topic through trying to navigate financial and money mindset differences as part of my own relationships. Let's start today by talking about why this topic is important. 

A look at the data-- a 2018 Northwestern Mutual study found that one in five Americans said they have financial disagreements with their significant other at least once monthly. And in late 2017, Ramsey Solutions, a leading company in financial education, conducted a study of more than 1,000 US adults to gain understanding of personal finance behaviors and attitudes, as well as how married couples communicate and relate about money. And according to that study, published in early 2018, money is the number one issue that married couples fight about. In fact, money fights are the second leading cause of divorce behind infidelity because nearly 2/3 of all marriages start off in debt, and that can be a tricky thing to navigate in a new relationship and/or as you combine your finances together. 

Now, 63% of those with $50,000 or more in debt feel anxious about talking about their personal finances. And 47% said their level of debt creates stress and anxiety. But there is hope, especially for couples who communicate with each other about finances. 94% of respondents who say they have a great marriage discuss their money dreams with their spouse. And 87% of respondents who say their marriage is great work together with their partner to set long-term goals for their money. The bottom line here is that couples in healthy marriages are much more likely to talk about their money dreams and make long-term money goals together. So how can we combat the statistics in our own relationships? 

What I want to share with you today is what I developed in response to the many couples coming to me for coaching around finances and my own personal experiences, some good, as well as some very hard lessons to learn. And I call it the Rule of 3, and it's really simple. There are three time periods of life to review with your partner around money, three foundational agreements to make about money, three options for structuring your banking, and three key tips for finance conversations with your spouse or significant other. So let's break each of these down. 

First, let's talk about the three time periods of life that you should review the topic of money and finances with your partner, which would happen preferably for the first time before you combine finances in any way, shape, or form. And these are the past, present, and future. It's really important to have these conversations because you need to understand your partner's money mindset, as well as their approach to spending or savings and what their experience with debt looks like. And in many cases, you should even be examining your own if you haven't already. And these are going to be very intimate conversations that may be slightly uncomfortable, but they will help you both create an important baseline to build from. So let's start with learning about each [AUDIO OUT]. 

Some questions that you can ask and answer for your partner are, what is your first money memory? What are the emotions you associate with money and finances? Where do those feelings come from? Have you had any bad experiences with money? And what are some good experiences that you've had with money? 

And then around the present, questions to ask could be things like, how do you define financial security? How much debt do you have, and where did it come from? What are your assets and/or your current savings? And this one makes a lot of couples laugh, but what's your current credit score? That tells a lot right there. 

And then, for the future, what are your future financial goals for yourself? And then what are our future financial goals that we share together? And what concerns, if any, do you have about us building a financial future together? And then, lastly, but also important, what is our financial strategy for retirement? 

Now, there are also three foundational agreements to make about money. The first one is your budget. Each of you should agree to document your monthly expenses and review them together. Define what's considered household expense versus personal expense. I'm going to touch on why this is important later. But trust me, this clarity and transparency is key to future financial decisions. 

And then you should talk about how much each of you contribute to household or joint expenses. Now, this could change over time, and every couple should decide what works for them. For example, a couple may start out contributing 50/50 to joint household expenses. However, at some point, if one partner makes more than the other, it might make sense that that partner contributes a higher percentage than the other. We'll talk about that in a second, as well. 

You also need to talk through or make a plan for unplanned emergencies and how you will cover them as a couple if and when they happen. Hint here, they will happen. Examples might be a job loss for one of you, some sort of medical situation or emergency that could be costly and also take time away from work where you're earning an income, as well as things that you may pay for for a child that you share in the marriage, as well. So you need to think through those things. 

You also want to talk about future financial goals. Now, first of all, your partner is the single most important support and accountability partner you can have when it comes to future financial goals. So share your dreams with them. And ask them what theirs are. And realize that, together, you have incredible power as a team when it comes to making your dreams today a reality, whatever they are. So be on the same page as to what those dreams are. 

And then you want to make an action plan for how to reach those goals together. If you need a little help, you can tap into our free goals coaching program to work two on one with a coach. I'll tell you a little bit more about that at the end of today's presentation. 

You should also talk about the structure of how you will manage the finances. Now, first and most importantly, even if one of you loves to manage the money and is really good at it, this should be a shared responsibility. This is an opportunity to build trust in your relationship, but trust can only be built if both parties have total transparency and honesty when it comes to money. They also need to communicate about it. And saying things like "I don't know how much money we have," or "I didn't know that bill was due," or "I didn't realize our credit card balance was that high" are excuses. You and your partner both need to accept responsibility for managing your money and your financial future. So don't let them off the hook, and don't allow yourself to make excuses. 

And then agree to a structure and also know that it can change over time. My recommendation is that you spend at least 15 minutes per week, or one hour per month, reviewing your finances together. Now, here's a behavioral science tip for you on this commitment to one another. Make it fun. We call that habit stacking. Pair the activity of budgeting with something that the two of you already do that you both enjoy. An example might be going out to dinner on a Friday night, but taking that time before going out to dinner to do the weekly budgeting together. Or if you have a favorite coffee shop the two of you love to walk to on the weekend, maybe you talk about finances on the walk to the coffee shop. So make it fun. It makes it a much more pleasurable experience but also helps you to hold that commitment to doing it on a regular basis, which is really important. 

There's also three options for how to structure your banking. These are pretty evident, but I want to talk about the pros and cons associated with each as well. And with all of these, it's really important that responsibility for those joint household expenses is shared between both people and that there's always a level of accountability to one another when it comes to finances. 

And as I said, with each of these approaches, there's pros and cons. So we'll talk about those. And every couple needs to find what works for them. So the first option is mine and yours. You can keep everything the way it always was, if that feels right to both of you. My parents have been married for 43 years, and they have always kept their finances separate. So it's worked for them. 

You have your account in this situation, your partner has their account, and then you each pay certain bills and/or contribute 50% to household expenses. Now, on the plus side, for anyone with negative money experiences in the past, this can be a really positive approach that allows that trust to build over time because you're each doing what you say you will do. 

Now, on the downside, if your incomes are not close or similar to each other, it might be a little uncomfortable to figure out who pays for what. And if you don't have those conversations, it's possible that some resentment could build up if this isn't fully vetted out in the beginning. And also, if an emergency happens, you need to ensure that you have those conversations beforehand about how you'll handle unplanned expenses or emergencies together. 

And then the second approach is ours, mine, and yours. Now, with this setup, each person keeps their personal accounts, but the couple opens a joint account together. And in some cases, but not all, each spouse will also give access or authority on their personal account to their spouse. Now, a joint account could start as a joint credit card, a joint bank account, a joint savings account, or all three. 

And on the plus side, this type of setup allows each person to have total autonomy when it comes to spending their own money on hobbies, passions, their kids, et cetera. And it is important to have some measure of your income for those things that bring you joy. 

Now, on the minus side, if one spouse makes more than the other, it might be a little difficult to figure out who contributes what percentage to the joint account and expenses. Let me give you an example. Let's say Jim makes twice what Sally makes, but they each contribute the same to joint expenses. In this case, Sally might have very little left over, while Jim is out living it up every week at the golf course, buying a new car every two years, and planning expensive vacations for the two of them that Sally really can't afford. This can lead to trouble down the road. And believe me, I've seen it with some of my clients. 

Now, with ours, with this setup, trust has to be strong. A couple really needs to be on the same page when it comes to budgeting and future financial goals. You're going to put all of your money into one account and have all of your expenses come out of the same account. On the plus side, this couple is going to have greater buying power together and be very focused on the same goals. On the minus side, in some situations, this might make one partner feel like they have less power-- for example, if one partner is a spender and the other is a saver. 

So the bottom line here with all of these is that you and your partner have to agree on a structure that works for both of you. And you also need to understand that there may need to be some compromise based upon money, beliefs, approaches to spending and savings, and/or past experiences. And that's why having these conversations about money is so important. 

Speaking of conversations around finances, these can be hard to have sometimes, but they will need to happen throughout the life of your relationship. So the tips that I want to give you today will be helpful to having those conversations at any age or stage of your relationship. And the first one is to listen. This is the single most important thing you can do to gain understanding and build trust. 

Did you know that the words "silent" and "listen" have the same letters in them? There's a reason for that. Now, whether you start the conversation or your partner does, you want to be ready and willing to give them the respect, attention, and acknowledgment that they deserve. So start with listening and continue with curiosity. Ask questions if you don't understand. 

The second thing is total transparency and honesty. You need to offer your complete and honest opinion in a constructive way. And you also want to be open and transparent, because if you're hiding something, your spouse is probably going to sense it. If you're open and vulnerable, it enables your partner to also be open and vulnerable. And that's how you begin to build trust between the two of you. But if you disagree, you need to speak up and be willing to explain your stance. And again, this requires honesty, vulnerability, and transparency. 

You also want to approach conversations around money and finances at the right time and in the right way. So let go of assumptions or judgments. Just because your partner's a spender and you're a saver doesn't mean that what they do is wrong when it comes to money. If you're feeling frustrated, angry, or anxious, that's probably not going to be the best right moment to have a conversation about money or finances. 

Also, before you start the conversation, be willing to commit to however long it takes to reach a compromise or solution. Don't start a finance conversation, for example, at the desk of the salesperson. Have it before the two of you even head to the dealership. 

And this is regardless of how the finances are structured. You should still have a conversation with your partner about a large purchase. And always have a conversation before any major purchases. The two of you should really define a threshold for money conversations. Is it for all purchases, maybe only over a certain dollar amount, or only for joint purchases? Again, this is different for every couple, and you need to find out what works for you, but you won't know if you don't have the conversation. 

Now, when you've tried these tips and you find yourself at a standstill, it may be time to ask for help. And depending on the situation, you might want to call in a trusted marriage therapist. Or you could even consider talking to a goals coach at US Bank. 

Now, every coaching session with a goals coach is part of your employer's partnership with US Bank. Now, the two of you or you yourself can work with a coach to realize your goals, create a personalized plan, and help you build a support system. We start by exploring what your goals are and why they're important to you. And from there, we help you create a timeline and action plan to get you from where you are to where you want to be. 

Now, as goals coaches, we don't sell any products or services, so you won't get a sales pitch from us. We are here to provide support, accountability, and connections to subject matter experts if and when you need them. If you have a need for a financial product or service, we have a great network of experts we can refer you to. 

Now, the QR code on the screen is going to take you to the Explore My Goals page of our website, where you can sign up for your first goals coaching session. You can either sign up for a 15 minute intro call to meet a coach and see if they feel like a good fit for you and/or your partner or you can set up a one hour goals discovery session to do that intro and dive right into setting those goals. It's up to you. You can learn more about our program at www.usbank.com/coaching. And I hope you'll check it out. 

I also want to mention we have a great team of goals coaches ready to serve you. All of us have varying backgrounds and specialties, but we are all here to help you and be a support and accountability partner. So we hope you'll check out our program and learn more. 

And for any conversations that you're having about finances with your significant other, I hope those conversations go really well. And I wish you the best of luck. Thank you so much for joining me today to talk about Couples and Their Finances, The Rule of 3. Take good care. Thank you so much.